The Fat and Happy Bride

Oh hello. Did you miss me? I've been gone awhile, being a busy bee, working, getting married, going on honeymoon, getting laid off, dying my hair pink, and working on a new life plan. But don't cry for me! I've got big plans in the works and will land on my feet.

And then sexual assault has been dominating the news again, as a sexual predator attempts to hold a public office that will allow him to make decisions on the lives of women. And I thought, I should write about this. I'm angry! AGAIN! And I always write about sexual assault! It's like all I talk about.

But that's why I don't want to write about it today. I'm worn out. I'm tired. Anger is exhausting. Being triggered by stories of assault is fucking exhausting! I realize it's not exactly groundbreaking writing to preface a piece by talking about what I'm not talking about, but I'm writing a blog, not a thesis, and I want to share where my headspace is.

What I want to concentrate on today, instead of thinking about predators and assault, is power. Female power. Woman power! Fuck men and the patriarchy and how they find every way to control us from our bodies to our jobs, from abortion to fat shaming to slut shaming. It's all part of the same machine. It's all about control.

A way I've been finding power is in my body. Loving myself is power. Existing as a woman with any amount of unapologetic fat on my body is rebellion. Accepting the word fat is resistance. Using it without any sort of denigration, just as a neutral descriptor, is subversion.

So, yes, I like to use the word fat. I'm fatter than lots and thinner than lots. It doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else. Fat is only an insult if you make it one. Fat doesn't mean ugly and it doesn't mean beautiful either. It just IS. When I say I'm fat, I am not insulting myself.

A couple months ago, I was in a certain high-end store to spend a gift card and had a lot of trouble finding anything that fit. I was leaving the fitting room frustrated when a sales associate blocked my path and asked if she could help me. I snapped that they didn't have any clothes fat enough for me. She went, "OH DON'T SAY THAT! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" I saw my opportunity and said, "I know I'm beautiful. I never said I wasn't. But I have a certain size ass and your clothes aren't big enough for it."

I got berated by quite a few people for that. And, as a former retail drone of many years, I get why maybe I seemed insensitive, but why should I have to hear over and over that fat = ugly over and over without speaking up? Because even encased in a smile and the intentions of a compliment, that's what she meant. She meant that me calling myself fat meant I didn't think I was beautiful. And if I am not brave enough to educate others, nothing will ever change.

And, yes, some days I feel beautiful. Some days I don't. Some days, I hate my fat. Other days, I feel sexy in it. Because that is being a woman on this planet. When I was thin, I also wavered in my body confidence. Some days, I hated that I had no boobs and twiggy legs. Other days, I felt like a lithe ballerina. I haven't felt like a ballerina in many years, though.

Because having a certain body does not exclude you from the pressures of the male gaze, of the patriarchy, of the constant body image marketing spewed at us from day one. Do I think thin privilege exists? YES. Do I think society makes it immensely harder for fat people, from not doctors blaming every ailment on our weight, from UTIs (true story that happened to me) to any ache and pain (fun fact: this is what is killing fat people imo), to lack of clothing options, to plain ol' bullying and bigoted people? FUCK YES. Living fat is harder. Living fat as a woman is harder. BUT, every woman of every size is susceptible to our body-shaming, body-controlling society.

And so existing while saying FUCK YOU to the control of our bodies is an act of resistance.

I know I've discussed this before. I know. But it's always worth restating.

Which brings me to my wedding. Leading up to my wedding, sooooo many people asked me if I was going to lose weight for my wedding. I both expected that and was gobsmacked by it. I wan incensed by it. Leaving aside my groom, who does think I'm perfect as-is (and it's my opinion that matters, really), I don't see why I should live up to anyone's expectations of what  I bride should look or act like.

Why should I kill myself to make others happy? I wanted to enjoy my engagement and enjoy my wedding! Life on its own is stressful enough, without adding a crash diet and the weight of societal expectations onto a HUGE life event!  It's this same attitude that I took into my wedding planning. At one point, when discussing not inviting my nightmare of a mother, I literally said to my now MIL, if I'm not going to enjoy my wedding, I don't see the point in having one. And I didn't want to do this joyous thing while hating my body!

I even did the David's Bridal thing and HATED it. They immediately shoved me in shape wear and just made me feel like I had to look a certain way. I ended up buying my dress at BHLDN by Anthropologie, btw, which not only had gorgeously modern and affordable (shocking right?) dresses, but they never made me feel like anything other than a fucking bride looking for her perfect gown!

A while ago, I read an article on Buzzfeed by a bride who was struggling with body image and family pressures to lose weight and I've thought about it since. I hope she felt like a beautiful bride and was able to enjoy herself.

So that's what I wanted for myself. I wanted to feel beautiful just as I am. I wanted to be comfortable and be able to dance and to eat and to drink without pain, physical or mental! And I thinkI achieved that. I bought a dress that fit and took a perverse pride in telling people I couldn't lose any weight without having to tailor my dress. I refused to wear shape wear. And I enjoyed my day. I loved my wedding. I felt beautiful and I felt joyous and all I had to think about was doing this amazing thing and enjoying every moment.

I mean, look how great I looked! My boobs have never looked better, honestly.

Photos by the incomparable Coco McKown Photography

I was fat and I was happy. I AM fat and happy. Anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off and die mad.