New Decade, Who Dis? Just Me
When I started this blog, my second blog, I said that I'd only write when I wanted to write, and that's been awesome. Writing is my hobby, not my job. I don't feel resentful of an obligation and I don't feel beholden to it. That's a double-edged sword, though, in that I don't feel any responsibility toward it as well. When I tried to write for a living, it made me hate the process. It wasn't fun anymore. I didn't feel passionate about the things that I wanted to write, but at least having deadlines and commitments made me sit down and pound out words, whether I wanted to or not. But now, when I get busy and my brain gets tired, the last thing I want to do is use it some more.
So if writing is my hobby, I neglect that hobby allllll the time. And if there's one thing I learned in therapy this year, it's that using my brain for something other than work feels fantastic. It's exhausting to think about, but once I'm doing something for ME, I feel better about everything. I'm not going to sit here making some grand resolution to write more in 2020 (and I'll never be that person), but I have promised myself to do more things for me and sometimes one of those things will be writing. And you'll know that when I do write, I did it because I really wanted to.
Thus begins the nostalgia posting that most bloggers do around New Year.
It's a new year and a new decade. I don't feel particularly strong about either of those things (outside of amazing Roaring Twenties memes), but if I make myself really think about the last decade, I have to admit that it's been monumental, as has every decade of my life. Having a birth year of 1980 means that the major stages of my life have just happened to coincide with each turn of a decade. I was a child of the 80s and a teen of the 90s. I spent my twenties in the aughts (and the new millennium and a new century) and my thirties in the post-crash Obama era (not to mention the current apocalypse). As I slog into this new decade, rounding into 40, I feel....fine I guess. I feel fine. And I'm okay with fine.
I feel realistic. There are things to look forward to and things to fear. As I work on myself and get better at life, the world burns around me and everyone I love. As I do the work to be a better ally and advocate, that work gets harder and harder.
But all that said, I think it's good to look at oneself and all the work we do on ourselves and think about what we're proud of and realize we're just people here doing the best we can with what we have.
At the turn of 2009 to 2010, I was 29, working at a job I liked for a boss who made my life hell. I'd made some awesome friends (hi, Coco!), but my dating life was a shitshow. I was a year and a half into my first round of therapy and in the midst of the hard work of addressing my trauma and PTSD for the first time and I hadn't spoken to my mom in just over a year (the happiest of my life thus far). I thought I knew and understood so much but really knew and understood very little. What I did know was that I was ready for major change and ready for my thirties to be a time of independence and growth.
That year, I quit my job, packed up my life and my cats, and moved to a new state to be near my best friend, literally and figuratively, one of the best moves I've ever made for myself.
The next ten years saw a lot! In no particular order:
Most before and after photos are about weight loss. Well I gained a bunch of weight but also a lot of happiness, growth, and love. So here's my before and after:
And some highlights of my decade in photos:
I was going to pick my favorite photos with friends, but honestly? There were way too many to pick from! So just know, friends, I cherish my photos with you and, if I don't have one with you, I can't wait to take one.
Anyway, I have no idea what my 40s will bring. I don't even know how I want to celebrate. I do know that this month will make my husband and I homeowners. We'll probably adopt a dog. Maybe I'll finally go freelance or start my own event venue (that's a big dream). Or maybe I'll meet my biological family. I'm sure I'll travel new places (despite being so sick of airplanes). Or maybe we'll all flee the planet in fear of nuclear war with Russia, China, AND North Korea, and settle on Pluto, which may or may not be a planet again.
So if writing is my hobby, I neglect that hobby allllll the time. And if there's one thing I learned in therapy this year, it's that using my brain for something other than work feels fantastic. It's exhausting to think about, but once I'm doing something for ME, I feel better about everything. I'm not going to sit here making some grand resolution to write more in 2020 (and I'll never be that person), but I have promised myself to do more things for me and sometimes one of those things will be writing. And you'll know that when I do write, I did it because I really wanted to.
Thus begins the nostalgia posting that most bloggers do around New Year.
It's a new year and a new decade. I don't feel particularly strong about either of those things (outside of amazing Roaring Twenties memes), but if I make myself really think about the last decade, I have to admit that it's been monumental, as has every decade of my life. Having a birth year of 1980 means that the major stages of my life have just happened to coincide with each turn of a decade. I was a child of the 80s and a teen of the 90s. I spent my twenties in the aughts (and the new millennium and a new century) and my thirties in the post-crash Obama era (not to mention the current apocalypse). As I slog into this new decade, rounding into 40, I feel....fine I guess. I feel fine. And I'm okay with fine.
I feel realistic. There are things to look forward to and things to fear. As I work on myself and get better at life, the world burns around me and everyone I love. As I do the work to be a better ally and advocate, that work gets harder and harder.
But all that said, I think it's good to look at oneself and all the work we do on ourselves and think about what we're proud of and realize we're just people here doing the best we can with what we have.
At the turn of 2009 to 2010, I was 29, working at a job I liked for a boss who made my life hell. I'd made some awesome friends (hi, Coco!), but my dating life was a shitshow. I was a year and a half into my first round of therapy and in the midst of the hard work of addressing my trauma and PTSD for the first time and I hadn't spoken to my mom in just over a year (the happiest of my life thus far). I thought I knew and understood so much but really knew and understood very little. What I did know was that I was ready for major change and ready for my thirties to be a time of independence and growth.
That year, I quit my job, packed up my life and my cats, and moved to a new state to be near my best friend, literally and figuratively, one of the best moves I've ever made for myself.
The next ten years saw a lot! In no particular order:
- I worked for the worst company I'd ever been at, where I was sexually harassed almost daily.
- I dated and then escaped one of the most toxic and abusive men I'd ever been with (which is saying a lot if you know who I dated in my twenties).
- I lost a cat to cancer.
- I lived with my best friend, then with a scarily unhinged woman, then lived alone, then with a boyfriend (see below)
- I met my now husband and learned to trust my instincts and date someone good for me, and eventually stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. Needless to say, we got engaged and then married.
- I loved my wedding.
- I became low key addicted to Twitter and then quit Twitter.
- I was diagnosed with Celiac disease.
- I had a stalker.
- I found a new career path that felt creative and fulfilling.
- I got an IUD (no babies huzzah!).
- I expanded my photography hobby.
- I quit a blog and started a blog.
- I've battled hip pain from a condition stemming from my years in ballet and battled back pain resulting from my chosen career.
- I started therapy, quit therapy, and started therapy again.
- I came to terms with the word bisexual and started championing bi visibility (even starting a small bi support group).
- I got 3 new tattoos.
- I made some really awesome new friends, both in Oregon and around the world.
- I strengthened old friendships and appreciated those who stick by me despite the distance or the inability to be social so much of the time.
- I had many panic attacks and learned many ways to manage them (still learning) (legal weed helps a lot).
- I gained around 50lbs.
- I had LOTS of new pairs of glasses.
- I learned to love myself for the first time (still learning).
- I got life insurance and opened my first IRA.
- I learned a lot in general, and the biggest lesson was shoving my ego aside and learning to really listen to perspectives and experiences different from my own.
- I was laid off for the first time.
- I did research on my biological family and toyed around with meeting them.
- I started a job that has been one of the biggest career challenges I've faced.
- I learned about boundaries and still haven't spoken to my mother.
- I struggled to balance professional obligations, personal life, social life, social justice work, and my mental health.
- I gained a stepcat.
- I missed my family back in California A LOT, and struggled to find the time or money to visit enough.
- I've had short hair and long hair, red hair, orange hair, brunette hair, blonde hair, and pink hair. I cut bangs several times, which were almost always a mistake.
- Through work, through the generosity of family, and on my own dime, I traveled to New York, Houston, LA, San Francisco, New Orleans, Seattle, many places around Oregon, Hawaii , Mexico, Austria, Germany, Italy, Slovakia, Switzerland, India, and Taiwan.
- I made lots of strides and lots of mistakes.
- My husband and I started the home buying process for the first time for both of us.
- And last week, I sneezed and peed my pants.
Most before and after photos are about weight loss. Well I gained a bunch of weight but also a lot of happiness, growth, and love. So here's my before and after:
And some highlights of my decade in photos:
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| Me and some of my many hair changes |
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| Almost 8 years with my honey |
Anyway, I have no idea what my 40s will bring. I don't even know how I want to celebrate. I do know that this month will make my husband and I homeowners. We'll probably adopt a dog. Maybe I'll finally go freelance or start my own event venue (that's a big dream). Or maybe I'll meet my biological family. I'm sure I'll travel new places (despite being so sick of airplanes). Or maybe we'll all flee the planet in fear of nuclear war with Russia, China, AND North Korea, and settle on Pluto, which may or may not be a planet again.
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