Social Media For Empaths

Otherwise entitled: When Your Lifelines Are Killing You

I am a sensitive little soul. Not that I believe in souls, but whatever essence that is Me, with a big M, is super sensitive.

This fact is in direct contrast with my social nature. I'm definitely an outgoing introvert, needing both social contact and alone time to decompress, cocoon, and recharge. I blame this on being raised as a shy person in a theater family.  I was, believe it or not, a shy little kiddo. But my outgoing actor parents thrust me onstage and told me to smile and jazzhands and I adapted to that. Now I'm both shy and social, both introvert and extrovert, both hating attention and needing attention. WHAT A WAY TO LIVE! It's fucking exhausting. 

So while I'm at ease in social situations and often enjoy being social, my anxiety and empathetic nature make socializing a mine field. Anything someone says or does can send me spinning into panic. Or if there's a lot of tension or arguing, that can screw me up too. But, also, I'm loud and stubborn, and a bit of a masochist, so I'll also put myself in situation that I know will cause me bouts of anxiety. Yet I continue TO DO IT.

A lot of that has to do with trauma response, but also I wonder if I'm just LIKE THIS, the kind of person who absorbs what other people slough off, sucking up the energetic waste of humanity.

Holy shit I'm a catfish. But does anyone ever ask the catfish how she feels cleaning up everyone's shit all the time? Maybe she wants a break from cleaning the bottom of the lake and someone to take care of her for once.

Sick of this shit

Social Media Sites enter stage left, cross to center

I've always embraced social media. It appeals to my social nature while allowing me to turn it on an off when I need (in theory). Plus it allows easy connection to the many people who live far from me. I get to see their photos and hear their updates and listen to their woes, even though we're many miles apart. Again, this is great in theory.

I used to love Twitter. I made a ton of great friends there which became real, long-term friendships, and I spent a lot of time networking with bloggers and being a general smartass. It was great. Then the threats began. Being a woman on the internet meant I got a lot of rape and death threats from angry white men who think I should shut up and stop being everything I am (loud, atheist, feminist, queer, ally to marginalized communities, a decent person, etc) or just stop existing entirely, if at all possible.

Then roughly a decade ago, I got a Twitter stalker who turned into a IRL stalker and I really don't want to recount the details here, but suffice to say, it was scary. I turned my profile private, backed off Twitter for many years, aside from the occasional check in and the auto-tweet function from my blog platform, and felt  little more safe.

I honestly didn't miss it and lived mostly on Facebook after that, knowing that if you want to grow your blog audience, Twitter is where it's at. But, to be honest, I was tiring of blogging and I kind of didn't give a shit about my audience anymore and, above all else, my safety takes priority over a fucking blog.

But Facebook, even though my profile is super private, hasn't been easy either. Facebook is the home of the Constant Argument (TM) after all. Whether it's picking fights with racist strangers on some post you stumbled upon or racist relatives picking fights with your friends on your wall, Facebook is a sure source of anxiety for everyone, let alone empaths and sensitives (Not that I'm friends with my racist relatives, IRL or online).

Even before the Corona shitstorm hit the US, I was feeling tired of Facebook. The primary election has been contentious and while I am a bona fide political junkie, watching my friends flay each other alive and personally getting attacked constantly was just exhausting. Not to mention the many people not taking COVID19 seriously and shaming those of us who did. So a couple months ago, I took a hiatus, except to share blog posts, and have pretty much stuck  with it. Occasionally I miss it, then I log in, immediately feel anxious, and close it again.

As my friend Shelley said recently, "I hate it here but caint quit it!" (Hi, Shell!) I relate to that hard.

But, also, I don't want to tone police. People are angry and they're entitled to their anger! I am a firm defender of the feeling and expressing of emotions. Your anger is valid! There are lots of things to be angry about! But also, I might not be able to be around your anger because I'll absorb it and I struggle with coping with my own emotions, let alone taking on those of others. It's complicated.

And that's what Facebook feels like for me.

Facebook exists; Twitter moves downstage

As we all started sheltering in place and physical distancing began (for those of us who take this seriously), I didn't want to be on Facebook, because scary place, but I found myself wanting to connect and share thoughts, so I sauntered back onto Twitter with the swagger of a woman who forgot all the shit from a decade earlier.

So I didn't make my profile private and when I found myself in bullying situations with strangers that leave me panicky, I have to wonder why I do that to myself. Is masochism a trauma response? If so, that would explain A LOT.

Anyway, I haven't gotten the death and rape threats yet (crossed fingers), but last week I dared to post something about fatphobia and immediately found myself in an argument with someone who has some probable internalized fatphobia, which like, fine, I'll try to nicely debate you, even if the subject is triggering for me. But, also, like, that debate garnered more attention from strangers and I started getting a slew of very bullying anti-fat tweets, which I couldn't block fast enough before I deleted the whole thread, blocked every person who engaged with me, turned my profile private, and started sobbing.

Oh and I'd already started that day with a migraine, which I'm sure prevented me from staying calm about the whole thing and accelerated the panic. And the whole incident absolutely made the migraine worse, which stuck with me all weekend. I also avoided almost all social media over the weekend, which helped, but, also, I wanted to talk about it.

So how does one avoid the social medias while needing the social media? How? HOW, I ASK YOU? The very thing that connects us in this modern era is the thing that, at least for me, hinders mental health. And, no, I'm not going to be a technophobe and I'm not going to preach about the evils of this medium, but I do find myself in the kind of quandary that deserves serious thought: how do we balance the pros and cons of social media?

I don't have an answer. I'm just trying to set boundaries right now, like blocking people who are bullying (or anyone I don't want in my virtual space honestly), making all my profiles private, and actively backing off internet arguments instead of picking fights with strangers, which I am wont to do.

And I'm seeking out joyful content.

Twitter exits. Instagram and TikTok enter stage right, cross to center.

I love your Instagram posts. I love posting to the gram. I love seeing your dog and cat and kiddo photos and insta stories about cooking and funny weird things. I love posting photos of my cats! I love sharing little, truncated bits of our lives and the small joys we find in the hard times. IG isn't perfect (I'm looking at you, ads), but I do like that my white ass has somehow tricked the algorithm into thinking I'm a black woman because I consume so much content from so many gorgeous, magical black women. And I will continue to do so, because black women are incredible.

But that brings me to the only place bringing me joy right now: TikTok. I started watching TikTok a year ago when it was buzzing around my media agency, but didn't really start getting into it until quarantine, much like a lot of "older millennials" who I'm just a smidgen older than. I know Gen Z sees their app being invaded by old people, but I just want to celebrate what these young people have created!

Now, disclaimer: I have yet to post anything. Not brave enough yet (though I want to), but I know from watching that the comments can be brutal. That makes me scared to post. But watching? My friends, it's delightful. There is so much great content made in people's living rooms and yards and garages. There's nerd content and queer content and dancing and singing and humor and cosplay and drag and babies and puppies and cat and it's amazingly diverse! Some of my favorite challenges are from indigenous people. There is so much celebration and joy and humor and I am here FOR ALL OF IT.

So what is my conclusion, dear friends? Fuck if I know.

All I know is the recipe for my survival is likely three things: boundaries, puppies, and queers. Does it fix everything? No. Do I have a stress rash on my chest today because I'm clearly not coping? Absolutely. Does it help? Maybe.

Maybe. Just...maybe.

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