What to Do When You Find Out Someone is a Rapist: A Handy Guide

So you've just learned someone is a rapist! Maybe it's a celebrity you like. Maybe it's an old friend or a relative. Maybe it's an artist whose work you deeply respect. Maybe it wasn't rape, but some other sexual assault. Maybe it was sexual harassment or some other act that made someone deeply uncomfortable. Maybe it's a man that abused his wife. Maybe it's someone who abused children.

What do you do?

Well, I'll tell you! It's just four easy steps:

1. Believe the victim.
2. Cut the rapist/assaulter/harasser out. Whether it's from your friendship or your workplace or Hollywood or Washington DC.
3. Don't support the rapist/assaulter/harasser anymore. Don't give them your time, your money, your votes, or your support.
4. Warn others, whatever that means to the situation. 

It's harder than that, I know. It's complicated when the rapist producer produced every fucking film ever made. It's challenging when you have to interact with the asshole at work. It's difficult when it's family. It's scary when you yourself may be in danger. 

But at the heart of things, those three things are what should happen.

A couple years ago, I found out that an old friend of mine raped another friend of mine. She'd told me thinking I'd judge her and not believe her and that she'd lose me as a friend, but she was worried about me. 

And I was worried too! I thought about all the times I was alone with him, thought about my own risk while my heart hurt for my friend. But of course I believed her. Before I blocked his ass on every outlet, I went down his friends list and contacted our mutual friends and told them he was a rapist (without naming his victim) and told my friends to watch out and be careful. It was the right thing to do. 

Because I'm not friends with rapists. 

Although, considering how many women are raped, it stands to reason that I AM, in fact, friends with rapists. I just don't know it. 

The odds just play out that way.

I've got more horrible work stories than I care to recount. I've been harassed with words and with actions. I turned in a female supervisor for trying to coerce me into a sexual relationship. I was cornered by a drunk coworker at a party as I tried to clean up and I had to talk him into leaving. The list is endless.

At a former employer, my female coworker was made to feel uncomfortable at an event. The harasser claimed it was meant to be a joke and was also an accident (how is it both exactly?). When the victim went to HR, the harasser victim blamed her and told her "she'd rung a bell that can't be un-rung," and she ruined his, "reputation." 

BTW, the correct response to being told you made a coworker uncomfortable is: "Oh my goodness I'm so sorry I made you uncomfortable. That was wrong of me. It won't happen again." SO SIMPLE.

But what do you do with that except talk to HR? Except to sue? We have to work. And unless your employer is awesome, you might just have to still work with the people who harass you or who you know has harassed others. 

Years ago, I lived in Hollywood and met many a celebrity. At a party, I watched Arnold Schwarzenegger grab young women as they passed by and pull them onto his lap or slap their asses or grab at their boobs. I told everyone how gross he was and he was still elected governor of California that year. 

That same year, I met Kevin Spacey at a party. I've told countless people how nice and warm and funny he was. Now I know he's a child predator. And everyone believes his victims, while women have to gather in hoards to be believed and they're still victim-blamed.

In fact, they're all shitty. Johnny Depp, Hugh Hefner, Louis CK, Weinstein, Woody fucking Allen, Casey Affleck, Bill Murray, Mike Tyson, Sean Connery, Rick James, Dave Chappelle, R. Kelly (who has a whole cult of young women that he's imprisoned), Daniel Tosh, CeeLo Green, Julian Assange, Terry Richardson,  Charlie Sheen, Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Nicolas Cage, and of course Chris Brown...JUST TO NAME A FEW! 

So, yes, I want to cut all these men out of Hollywood. I don't want to support their work. I don't want to watch their movies or listen to their music or see their art. But, also, I live in the world and I bet everything I watch or listen to or consume is tainted with assault and harassment. EVERYTHING. So, in fact, I want to burn Hollywood to the ground. 

But also, I love film and television. And I have family and friends in The Industry. And I think there are probably lots of good people there too.

Because it's not about Hollywood; it's about rape culture. It's something that permeates every facet of our society, because rape and harassment are about power and using sexual power to control and coerce are as old as humanity itself.

British politician Lord Acton said, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." And what is the most common expression of absolute power, of entitlement, of taking what you want than rape? Than spousal/partner abuse? Than sexual harassment? Than street harassment? It's about maintaining the power balance. It's control. 

So what the fuck do we do? We have to dismantle rape culture. And to dismantle rape culture, we have to dismantle patriarchy. And that means also dismantling white supremacy and prison culture and oligarchy. Rape and harassment are just one tool to keep us all in line and so we have to tear it all down or we'll never not live in fear. 

But, to start? Believe victims. Shame and shun the rapists and harassers and don't show them support. And keep the vulnerable safe. That has to be the minimum. 

There's a reason so many women love Law & Order SVU: it shows a world where rapists are prosecuted and victims believed, where police don't victim blame or shove victims on a shelf to sit for decades. We can't imagine a world without rape, but we can dream of a world in which it's treated like a crime and victims are actually treated as such. How sad is that?