Ten Years of Therapy and One Support Group
I've been in therapy off and on for over 10 years now. It's been an extremely positive thing for me, though it's not been easy. Therapy shouldn't be easy, in fact. It should be hard. It should be wrenching work to dig into the whys and hows and make change.
And each stage of therapy, for me, has reflected that work and what I needed at the time.
My first therapist taught me to excavate. It was with her that I even recovered repressed memories and confronted my childhood abuse. She helped me stake independence from my mom and build confidence in myself. My years with her were about uncovering the past and putting a finger on WHY I did things and what my patterns were and mother and nurture myself. I told stories in that room. I It was very beginning stages of identifying negative patterns (like dating abusers and narcissists) and learning to begin to love myself.
My second therapist was where I met myself. I'd spent so much of my life as who my mother wanted to be, so then it was about meeting myself. Truly and literally. I had to figure out who I was. Obviously we talked about more in there, like stages of development I'd missed because of my adoption and subsequent abuse, or how to be in a positive romantic relationship, because I didn't have any sort of model for what that would look like. But when I think about that time, I think about self-discovery. I think about learning to accept my emotions as strengths and lean into them instead of suppressing them.
Then came my third therapist. She's been lovely, but I think it's time to move on. I went to her because I was having panic attacks and struggling with triggers like whoa. And she's been enormously helpful on that front. She taught me how to identify triggers before they effect me, to ground myself and stave off a panic attack, and she taught me how observe myself when I'm spiraling. I've become better at not beating myself up for my reactions; instead, I sit with them, examine them, notice them. She's given me a great toolbox to deal with immediate threats and increasing mindfulness.
But recently, in doing some reading on trauma, I realized that she's been treating me for generalized anxiety and not anxiety due to PTSD or CPTSD (which I'm fairly sure I have). So while her help was crucial at a time when I really needed it, I think we were treating the symptoms and not the cause, so to speak. I think I need to dig deeper into trauma treatment and perhaps she's not the one to do that with me, and that's okay! Regardless, I'm between insurance until my new coverage kicks in, so I have a month to think about it.
Which brings me to the support group. Knowing I'd be on a therapist-break, I found a closed Facebook support group specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse. I was only there a month.
I struggled there at first in finding my place. Most of the members were either fresh out of abusive relationships or still in them. By contrast, I'm 10 years out of my relationship with my mom and like over 7 years out of my last narc relationship, what business did I have there? I felt like maybe I was too healed in this group, like I needed a group for past trauma or childhood trauma. But, as I continued there, I found better footing. As I read many many heartbreaking posts, I was able to give advice, having been there myself, and find connection through shared experiences. I even found a few people who were further along in their journeys like me, and made a few friends.
It could be overwhelming at times, all the posts. It's a lot of heartbreak and pain that could sometimes trigger my own feelings. It's like a 24hr group of thousands of victims and survivors sharing constantly. Just picture that. It's a good thing in a lot of ways. It meant there was always someone to talk to and connect with. But it's also super overwhelming in a lot of ways.
I also learned how far I've come. It was incredibly validating to see my growth and healing through other survivors' eyes. They constantly validated me and asked me advice and it felt really good to know that, while I'll always be working on this, I've come a long, long way.
Then came the meme. Lots of memes are posted to the group. Some are funny, most are uplifting or full of advice. I'm generally a meme fan, but I think it's important to call out when I think something a meme says is harmful. I really wish I'd screenshotted all of this to reference it, but my memory will have to suffice.
The meme said something like, it's important to realize that the relationship with the narcissist was a fantasy and grieve that fantasy. It sounded better than that, but that's the gist. Now, I've said something similar many times! I've said it's important to mourn that relationship when you've gotten out, not the abusive relationship, but the one you SHOULD have had, the loving husband you deserved, the supportive parent you should have had. You have to mourn it so that you don't keep trying to get it from the wrong places, so that you can leave it behind you.
But that word fantasy really stuck in my craw. It felt victim-blamey, as if we were living in a fantasy world and should have just been more realistic, as opposed to the reality, which is that we were victims of master manipulators and abusers. And I don't think any of us are constructing wild fantasies of what we want in a parent or lover; we just want normal, loving relationships. We all deserve that.
So I said as much. I said I agreed with the sentiment, but not the word fantasy and said why. WELL, I offended the wrong man, let me tell you. A moderator had posted that meme and he asserted how right he was. I told him that we can disagree and I was just sharing my feelings on the matter, but that it was really important to me and words are important. He got more defensive. I told him I didn't mean to offend and gave him what I thought was an out: I said that both of us were likely feeling defensive because of our years of abuse and that it's okay and I don't need to argue. He blew up. He told me he's not conditioned to feel any which way and that he's NOT defensive (um okay) and that he stands by his words and BTW he's worked with abuse survivors for years and he knows what he's doing THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
Yikes.
And me, I was triggered AS HELL. I was shaking. His male ego was exploding all over me in what I thought was a safe space to share my feelings. I honestly don't know what was happening, but the dynamic was either that he WAS actually triggered and defensive (which I get) and lashing out because he felt attacked by me OR he was repeating the gaslighting techniques we narc survivors were exactly in that group to escape.
Fucking yikes.
If it was the former, the dude is a moderator and really needs to put the needs of the group's members first and take a beat. If it's the latter, that group is fucked. No amount of combativeness is okay when it comes to abuse survivors.
So anyway, I gathered all my little courage and assertiveness that I learned in therapy and told him I didn't appreciate his combativeness, that he was triggering me, and I still didn't mean to offend and that would be my last response.
Then he removed me from the group. Talk about a safe space.
And, like, FINE. I'm not interested in a group that is so dysfunctional. That's not good for my health. But I was hurt and sad and triggered and it took me a long time to recover from that incident. It was the last place I expected to feel attacked and then removed, which is a lot for a childhood abuse survivor. It takes a lot for me to feel like a space is safe enough to share and then to get attacked there is disorienting at best.
I'm better now, but that still brings me back to needing deeper trauma therapy. Bandaids and toolboxes are only going to kick the can down the road. I need more. And I doubt I'll look for another group and I certainly don't have the time or emotional energy to start my own.
I don't believe in doing New Year's resolutions, but it do believe in continually working on yourself, getting better at life in general, so this year I guess will be the year I find a good trauma therapist to do that hard work.
Fucking yikes.
My first therapist taught me to excavate. It was with her that I even recovered repressed memories and confronted my childhood abuse. She helped me stake independence from my mom and build confidence in myself. My years with her were about uncovering the past and putting a finger on WHY I did things and what my patterns were and mother and nurture myself. I told stories in that room. I It was very beginning stages of identifying negative patterns (like dating abusers and narcissists) and learning to begin to love myself.
My second therapist was where I met myself. I'd spent so much of my life as who my mother wanted to be, so then it was about meeting myself. Truly and literally. I had to figure out who I was. Obviously we talked about more in there, like stages of development I'd missed because of my adoption and subsequent abuse, or how to be in a positive romantic relationship, because I didn't have any sort of model for what that would look like. But when I think about that time, I think about self-discovery. I think about learning to accept my emotions as strengths and lean into them instead of suppressing them.
Then came my third therapist. She's been lovely, but I think it's time to move on. I went to her because I was having panic attacks and struggling with triggers like whoa. And she's been enormously helpful on that front. She taught me how to identify triggers before they effect me, to ground myself and stave off a panic attack, and she taught me how observe myself when I'm spiraling. I've become better at not beating myself up for my reactions; instead, I sit with them, examine them, notice them. She's given me a great toolbox to deal with immediate threats and increasing mindfulness.
But recently, in doing some reading on trauma, I realized that she's been treating me for generalized anxiety and not anxiety due to PTSD or CPTSD (which I'm fairly sure I have). So while her help was crucial at a time when I really needed it, I think we were treating the symptoms and not the cause, so to speak. I think I need to dig deeper into trauma treatment and perhaps she's not the one to do that with me, and that's okay! Regardless, I'm between insurance until my new coverage kicks in, so I have a month to think about it.
Which brings me to the support group. Knowing I'd be on a therapist-break, I found a closed Facebook support group specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse. I was only there a month.
I struggled there at first in finding my place. Most of the members were either fresh out of abusive relationships or still in them. By contrast, I'm 10 years out of my relationship with my mom and like over 7 years out of my last narc relationship, what business did I have there? I felt like maybe I was too healed in this group, like I needed a group for past trauma or childhood trauma. But, as I continued there, I found better footing. As I read many many heartbreaking posts, I was able to give advice, having been there myself, and find connection through shared experiences. I even found a few people who were further along in their journeys like me, and made a few friends.
It could be overwhelming at times, all the posts. It's a lot of heartbreak and pain that could sometimes trigger my own feelings. It's like a 24hr group of thousands of victims and survivors sharing constantly. Just picture that. It's a good thing in a lot of ways. It meant there was always someone to talk to and connect with. But it's also super overwhelming in a lot of ways.
I also learned how far I've come. It was incredibly validating to see my growth and healing through other survivors' eyes. They constantly validated me and asked me advice and it felt really good to know that, while I'll always be working on this, I've come a long, long way.
Then came the meme. Lots of memes are posted to the group. Some are funny, most are uplifting or full of advice. I'm generally a meme fan, but I think it's important to call out when I think something a meme says is harmful. I really wish I'd screenshotted all of this to reference it, but my memory will have to suffice.
The meme said something like, it's important to realize that the relationship with the narcissist was a fantasy and grieve that fantasy. It sounded better than that, but that's the gist. Now, I've said something similar many times! I've said it's important to mourn that relationship when you've gotten out, not the abusive relationship, but the one you SHOULD have had, the loving husband you deserved, the supportive parent you should have had. You have to mourn it so that you don't keep trying to get it from the wrong places, so that you can leave it behind you.
But that word fantasy really stuck in my craw. It felt victim-blamey, as if we were living in a fantasy world and should have just been more realistic, as opposed to the reality, which is that we were victims of master manipulators and abusers. And I don't think any of us are constructing wild fantasies of what we want in a parent or lover; we just want normal, loving relationships. We all deserve that.
So I said as much. I said I agreed with the sentiment, but not the word fantasy and said why. WELL, I offended the wrong man, let me tell you. A moderator had posted that meme and he asserted how right he was. I told him that we can disagree and I was just sharing my feelings on the matter, but that it was really important to me and words are important. He got more defensive. I told him I didn't mean to offend and gave him what I thought was an out: I said that both of us were likely feeling defensive because of our years of abuse and that it's okay and I don't need to argue. He blew up. He told me he's not conditioned to feel any which way and that he's NOT defensive (um okay) and that he stands by his words and BTW he's worked with abuse survivors for years and he knows what he's doing THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
Yikes.
And me, I was triggered AS HELL. I was shaking. His male ego was exploding all over me in what I thought was a safe space to share my feelings. I honestly don't know what was happening, but the dynamic was either that he WAS actually triggered and defensive (which I get) and lashing out because he felt attacked by me OR he was repeating the gaslighting techniques we narc survivors were exactly in that group to escape.
Fucking yikes.
If it was the former, the dude is a moderator and really needs to put the needs of the group's members first and take a beat. If it's the latter, that group is fucked. No amount of combativeness is okay when it comes to abuse survivors.
So anyway, I gathered all my little courage and assertiveness that I learned in therapy and told him I didn't appreciate his combativeness, that he was triggering me, and I still didn't mean to offend and that would be my last response.
Then he removed me from the group. Talk about a safe space.
And, like, FINE. I'm not interested in a group that is so dysfunctional. That's not good for my health. But I was hurt and sad and triggered and it took me a long time to recover from that incident. It was the last place I expected to feel attacked and then removed, which is a lot for a childhood abuse survivor. It takes a lot for me to feel like a space is safe enough to share and then to get attacked there is disorienting at best.
I'm better now, but that still brings me back to needing deeper trauma therapy. Bandaids and toolboxes are only going to kick the can down the road. I need more. And I doubt I'll look for another group and I certainly don't have the time or emotional energy to start my own.
I don't believe in doing New Year's resolutions, but it do believe in continually working on yourself, getting better at life in general, so this year I guess will be the year I find a good trauma therapist to do that hard work.
Fucking yikes.
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