Womanhood Blows, From Fitting Rooms to Abortion Bans
The scene: 1994, Mervyn's, shopping with my dad.
I had rarely shopped with my dad. He was not a shopper. My dad's version of shopping is walk into a discount store, walk to the rack of jeans or T-shirts with the cheapest options, grab your size, pay, leave.
Shopping with his 14yo daughter was not his favorite activity. My dad is a nice man, supportive. He went to all my dance recitals and listened to my stories and helped with homework and put up with Ace of Base on repeat, but shopping is not his thing. And he certainly didn't understand that a teenage girl would have to try on her jeans, that sizes run differently between brands, fits, and acts of god. He didn't understand that I had to take 12 different pairs in the fitting room and might come out with one pair that looked good...IF I WAS LUCKY.
He was impatient. He hemmed. He hawed. He paced. He was annoyed.
I felt awful. Awful for inconveniencing him. Awful for being a burden. Awful for the shit I couldn't help, namely the fashion industry's issue with women's bodies. And I didn't even have that much of a body at 14. I grabbed a pair that was highwater and he bought those. I hated those jeans.
And I internalized that awful feeling. I still hate fitting rooms. And now of course, it's also about bad lighting and shitty mirrors and body struggles I've internalized from living in the world, but it's still in there: the inconvenience of it. My husband shops with me. He's patient. He gets me sizes. He never, ever complains or paces or hems or haws. And still I feel bad. I feel like an inconvenience. I still apologize when I need to use a fitting room.
This is how we internalize sexism. My dad didn't mean anything by it, but his behavior taught me that something that was necessary for if I wanted to shop in the "girls" section was burdensome. His privilege as a man told him that shopping should be easy: you go in and buy your shit and you leave. For me, it wasn't easy.
That was just a small example How many other things that we as women, as cis-women or trans women, or queer or enby people have been taught to feel as inconvenient or burdensome on those in privilege? Endless things. Endless. We don't even realize how much because we don't even think about it. It's internalized.
We walk down the street with hands grabbing us and shouts cast our way. We are blamed for our own rapes and for pregnancies it took two to make. We accept that sexist micro-aggression at work because we don't want to make waves, we don't want to be a bitch, a complainer, a hysteric. We accept making less money or carrying the emotional labor of every single man in our lives. We feel life we have to be perfect, perfect at work, perfect at home, perfect in bed, perfect face without too much makeup or not enough makeup or no makeup or any makeup, and we shouldn't care about our looks or being pretty while still making ourselves pretty and when you forget to try to be pretty ARE YOU SICK TODAY? And that makeup had better be vegan and artisan and fair trade and our meals had better be clean as the driven snow and our bodies better be always trying to lose weight while we still eat like one of the guys, and still spend just the right amount of time at the gym so we appear to take care of ourselves, but still have plenty of time of home and also to be the right amount of thin while still being curvy enough to be sexy and not too mannish now and don't get me started on our fucking hair. And that's all before 8am.
We all have to de-internalize our own subjugation. It's not our fault, but we can't fight it while actively participating in it.
It's a scary time right now. Reproductive rights are at stake. Roe v Wade could be in Jeopardy if any of these states' cases end up at the Supreme Court. But, one, it's always fucking scary for a lot of women and people not in privilege, people in states where clincs are scarce or for whom maternal mortality rates are high (the US is the highest in the developed world BTW, and google those stats by race), or who can't afford family planning or reproductive care or who just live as a target of violence based on who they fucking are, et fucking cetera.
It doesn't diminish the impact of these horrific bills or the significance of Roe, but I don't want us to sit on our white lady asses and think it's been sunshine and roses up until now. It's not easy for a lot of people in this country and these bills aim to make that worse for the least privileged among us. Am I scared for me? Fuck yes. But my white ass with its decently paying job that is within driving distance of Canada could probably secure a safe abortion if I needed it. I mean, if Roe was overturned. As it stands, I could get one tomorrow if necessary. I'd just have to call in sick to work, where I have PTO I can use. That is a privilege.
It's also a privilege that I sit here using my preferred pronouns and throw the word women around. And, yes, I think that the government in power DOES hate women as a whole, cis-gendered or non, and it's pretty safe to say that this movement is about controlling women (more on that later) and I 100% know that those same people making laws to criminalize abortion or ban abortion don't even understand what a trans or enby person even is, let alone understand what pronouns someone may prefer (and they totally hate any gender non-conforming person on the basis of the hate in their little conservative hearts), language matters and there are people who own uteruses who aren't women, so it's worth a reminder that my own internalized sexism can hurt others. Language matters. I'm working on that.
And you bet your ass there are cis-white-women aiding and abetting in this patriarchal power move. That's internalized sexism. That's knowing that if you sit at the right hand of power, you may have to give up a little control, but you get to bask in the glow of privilege. You are complicit in the systematic destruction of the rights of over half the population, but you'll be just fine as long as you play the game. Now that is privilege. And believe you me, those women can get abortions if they need them.
So, yeah, I'm telling you now, it's not just about reproductive rights; it's about controlling women. I mean, that's plenty right? The number one predictor of a woman's independence is her ability to choose when and if she reproduces. So reproductive rights are more than just abortions. There's a damn long list of the impact pregnancy has, emotional pain, physical pain, financial pain, effect on education, work life, etc etc etc etc. In places where birth control and sex ed are prevalent, abortions go down, so you'd think these anti-choicers would be pro birth control, but no. And of course there's the lack of any support for mothers and children in any sense, so it's pretty obvious it's not about babies. IT IS ABOUT CONTROL.
Take away options and finances and any semblance of independence and pretty soon women are reading and getting ideas!
Better to keep them under control, pregnant and dependent, and back to a world order that makes sense to the Christian white men. The reality is a lot of dead women, or women in prison, but they don't care about that either. The dead and felons don't vote. We've already nearly lost an entire generation of black men to police brutality and the prison industrial complex. This gets the women too. As for those of us who are queer or non-conforming, they want us dead too, whether or not we own uteruses.
Not to mention the genocide happening at the border. Kids in cages are totally an example of pro-life values. For sure. Absofuckinglutely.
It's an eroding of any little progress, of rights. When do we lose our ability to work, to have bank accounts, to own property?
I know it sounds dramatic. But that's because it fucking is! When the shark is swimming underneath you, the music is ominous because what's likely to happen next is FUCKING TERRIFYING! Terror is the exact appropriate response!
I know my readership is the proverbial choir, but, my friends, writing this is more for me than for you. I can't keep all of these thoughts in my head; it will burst. I've had a headache for basically 2 years now. My anxiety is through the roof. The entire country is suffering depression. We are at critical mass of either revolution or total holocaust.
Spare me the eye roll. A lot of us predicted this shit when the orange shitgibbon was elected and if we weren't so stressed the fuck out, we'd do the I Told Ya So dance.
I had rarely shopped with my dad. He was not a shopper. My dad's version of shopping is walk into a discount store, walk to the rack of jeans or T-shirts with the cheapest options, grab your size, pay, leave.
Shopping with his 14yo daughter was not his favorite activity. My dad is a nice man, supportive. He went to all my dance recitals and listened to my stories and helped with homework and put up with Ace of Base on repeat, but shopping is not his thing. And he certainly didn't understand that a teenage girl would have to try on her jeans, that sizes run differently between brands, fits, and acts of god. He didn't understand that I had to take 12 different pairs in the fitting room and might come out with one pair that looked good...IF I WAS LUCKY.
He was impatient. He hemmed. He hawed. He paced. He was annoyed.
 |
| My Dad |
And I internalized that awful feeling. I still hate fitting rooms. And now of course, it's also about bad lighting and shitty mirrors and body struggles I've internalized from living in the world, but it's still in there: the inconvenience of it. My husband shops with me. He's patient. He gets me sizes. He never, ever complains or paces or hems or haws. And still I feel bad. I feel like an inconvenience. I still apologize when I need to use a fitting room.
This is how we internalize sexism. My dad didn't mean anything by it, but his behavior taught me that something that was necessary for if I wanted to shop in the "girls" section was burdensome. His privilege as a man told him that shopping should be easy: you go in and buy your shit and you leave. For me, it wasn't easy.
That was just a small example How many other things that we as women, as cis-women or trans women, or queer or enby people have been taught to feel as inconvenient or burdensome on those in privilege? Endless things. Endless. We don't even realize how much because we don't even think about it. It's internalized.
 |
| It's funny because it's true |
We walk down the street with hands grabbing us and shouts cast our way. We are blamed for our own rapes and for pregnancies it took two to make. We accept that sexist micro-aggression at work because we don't want to make waves, we don't want to be a bitch, a complainer, a hysteric. We accept making less money or carrying the emotional labor of every single man in our lives. We feel life we have to be perfect, perfect at work, perfect at home, perfect in bed, perfect face without too much makeup or not enough makeup or no makeup or any makeup, and we shouldn't care about our looks or being pretty while still making ourselves pretty and when you forget to try to be pretty ARE YOU SICK TODAY? And that makeup had better be vegan and artisan and fair trade and our meals had better be clean as the driven snow and our bodies better be always trying to lose weight while we still eat like one of the guys, and still spend just the right amount of time at the gym so we appear to take care of ourselves, but still have plenty of time of home and also to be the right amount of thin while still being curvy enough to be sexy and not too mannish now and don't get me started on our fucking hair. And that's all before 8am.
We all have to de-internalize our own subjugation. It's not our fault, but we can't fight it while actively participating in it.
It's a scary time right now. Reproductive rights are at stake. Roe v Wade could be in Jeopardy if any of these states' cases end up at the Supreme Court. But, one, it's always fucking scary for a lot of women and people not in privilege, people in states where clincs are scarce or for whom maternal mortality rates are high (the US is the highest in the developed world BTW, and google those stats by race), or who can't afford family planning or reproductive care or who just live as a target of violence based on who they fucking are, et fucking cetera.
It doesn't diminish the impact of these horrific bills or the significance of Roe, but I don't want us to sit on our white lady asses and think it's been sunshine and roses up until now. It's not easy for a lot of people in this country and these bills aim to make that worse for the least privileged among us. Am I scared for me? Fuck yes. But my white ass with its decently paying job that is within driving distance of Canada could probably secure a safe abortion if I needed it. I mean, if Roe was overturned. As it stands, I could get one tomorrow if necessary. I'd just have to call in sick to work, where I have PTO I can use. That is a privilege.
It's also a privilege that I sit here using my preferred pronouns and throw the word women around. And, yes, I think that the government in power DOES hate women as a whole, cis-gendered or non, and it's pretty safe to say that this movement is about controlling women (more on that later) and I 100% know that those same people making laws to criminalize abortion or ban abortion don't even understand what a trans or enby person even is, let alone understand what pronouns someone may prefer (and they totally hate any gender non-conforming person on the basis of the hate in their little conservative hearts), language matters and there are people who own uteruses who aren't women, so it's worth a reminder that my own internalized sexism can hurt others. Language matters. I'm working on that.
And you bet your ass there are cis-white-women aiding and abetting in this patriarchal power move. That's internalized sexism. That's knowing that if you sit at the right hand of power, you may have to give up a little control, but you get to bask in the glow of privilege. You are complicit in the systematic destruction of the rights of over half the population, but you'll be just fine as long as you play the game. Now that is privilege. And believe you me, those women can get abortions if they need them.
So, yeah, I'm telling you now, it's not just about reproductive rights; it's about controlling women. I mean, that's plenty right? The number one predictor of a woman's independence is her ability to choose when and if she reproduces. So reproductive rights are more than just abortions. There's a damn long list of the impact pregnancy has, emotional pain, physical pain, financial pain, effect on education, work life, etc etc etc etc. In places where birth control and sex ed are prevalent, abortions go down, so you'd think these anti-choicers would be pro birth control, but no. And of course there's the lack of any support for mothers and children in any sense, so it's pretty obvious it's not about babies. IT IS ABOUT CONTROL.
Take away options and finances and any semblance of independence and pretty soon women are reading and getting ideas!
Better to keep them under control, pregnant and dependent, and back to a world order that makes sense to the Christian white men. The reality is a lot of dead women, or women in prison, but they don't care about that either. The dead and felons don't vote. We've already nearly lost an entire generation of black men to police brutality and the prison industrial complex. This gets the women too. As for those of us who are queer or non-conforming, they want us dead too, whether or not we own uteruses.
Not to mention the genocide happening at the border. Kids in cages are totally an example of pro-life values. For sure. Absofuckinglutely.
It's an eroding of any little progress, of rights. When do we lose our ability to work, to have bank accounts, to own property?
I know it sounds dramatic. But that's because it fucking is! When the shark is swimming underneath you, the music is ominous because what's likely to happen next is FUCKING TERRIFYING! Terror is the exact appropriate response!
I know my readership is the proverbial choir, but, my friends, writing this is more for me than for you. I can't keep all of these thoughts in my head; it will burst. I've had a headache for basically 2 years now. My anxiety is through the roof. The entire country is suffering depression. We are at critical mass of either revolution or total holocaust.
Spare me the eye roll. A lot of us predicted this shit when the orange shitgibbon was elected and if we weren't so stressed the fuck out, we'd do the I Told Ya So dance.
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