Depression During the Pandemic
My last post was a few weeks ago. How much has changed since then! Back then I knew the COVID-19 pandemic would hit the US but I certainly couldn't predict how I would feel or how my country, state, or employer would react. To be fair, I did know the US health care system is a shitshow and our president is a buffoon, so I knew it wouldn't be good.
Before this hit the US, I was already struggling with depression. I talked about it here and each time that I did helped. It helped me feel connected and not alone and it helped me feel honest to myself. Honesty about mental illness is so important because depression lies to you. Putting your truth in writing is immensely powerful.
So I'm going to do that again.
I feel okay.
I do! I feel better than I did a few weeks ago and while I think I am not going to feel awesome per se, I'm feeling as good as can be expected given my history and the current state of the world.
The biggest lifeline is that my therapist is doing video sessions now. If you are able to get therapy, this is such an amazing perk of living in such a technological age. If this pandemic had happened even 15 years ago, not only would most of us not be able to telecommute, but the idea that you can video chat with a therapist or even a doctor is kind of fucking amazing.
Before my last appointment (Which was what? A week ago? A month? A year? What year IS it?), I was spinning out. I catastrophize at the best of times. I catastrophize because it's what my body and brain have been trained to do. My life experience since birth has taught me that the worst usually happens and so everything in me prepares for the worst and that means playing out the worst case scenarios in my mind.
This means that for the first couple years of my relationship with my now husband, I waited for him to figure out I wasn't good enough for him and do any number of awful things, including leaving me. It took a long time to just trust things in the moment and plan for an uncertain future with trust. It means that something I struggle with is productive fear (as in, my spidey sense telling me some dude is scary and to get away from him fast) and what fear is unproductive (planning for every possible bad scenario when no evidence is around to indicate those things will happen). It means that when something does go wrong, (ie a fucking pandemic), I spin out thinking of the worst and can't differentiate between what's reasonable to be fearful of and what to let go of.
Because fear can be valuable. That spidey sense I mentioned before or fight or flight when an actual scary thing is occurring. And scary things are FUCKING OCCURRING! There is exponential growth to this virus' reach and none of us are immune and I don't want my dad to die and I'm technically immunocompromised (though not as much as other friends and family) and my cousin has chronic asthma and one of my besties is a damn nurse and she's at risk and then my entire fucking industry shut down and I had literally no work to do and convinced myself I'd get fired and we just bought a fucking house and how long before we're homeless? I usually stop at homeless because I've been close to homelessness before and it's been one of my biggest fears since childhood (which is probably why I never ran away despite my abusive home).
Anyway, some of what I listed above is reasonable to be fearful of and some of it isn't and all of it is overwhelming even for the most mentally well person alive. And anxiety doesn't help any of that either.
But that's why I therapy. My therapist helped me figure out how to talk to my boss about these fears and then she encouraged me to walk through the actual likely scenarios of what would happen should I lose my job, ranging from getting family support from my husband's parents (since my parents can't and won't help) to finding a non-events job and, which I could very well do. And, yes, our country will likely be in a recession and I may not be able to find work, let alone well paying work, but my anxiety won't stop that anyway.
All my anxiety does is make me feel like shit (and lower my immune response).
So yeah I did talk to my boss (not about my anxiety; we don't have that kind of relationship) about wanting to work and he gave me some mundane administrative stuff to do which, like, isn't necessarily fun, but it's work yo! I'm glad to hear that I'm worth retaining even if my industry isn't making my role billable. It's one layer of relief for now. And it's also something to do, something to keep my mind busy so I...again....don't spin the fuck out.
Also I know how lucky I am to work at a place that is not only allowing us all to work from home, but was ahead of the curve in doing so. I feel safe at home and my exposure is now limited. I worked retail for a decade and I know a lot of people in service jobs are not working right now and that's scary as hell.
So I'm also making lists. Listing those fears is helpful because once it's out of your head and on paper, it's easier to figure out what's real or not and also it just gets them out of my head and someplace else.
I'm also avoiding Facebook, which is just a fountain of stress. I want to be on social media for connection, but Facebook is just more stressful than it's worth. Every time I log in, it's like an avalanche of awful. I briefly tried Nextdoor so I could connect with my neighbors and then quickly lost my faith in humanity with all the xenophobic, racist, panicky, white nonsense on there. I'm aware I'm white, but I am not trying to be part of the problem and I can't deal with these people right now. I also briefly tried some nerd fandoms on reddit, but quickly got bullied off, so here we are.
I am video-chatting with colleagues when I can and my girlfriends and I are doing a weekly video lunch, which is really nice. I also get to spend my days with my husband and my two cats, all of which make me very happy. Last week, since it was sunny, we took evening walks (avoiding people) after work every day and it was really nice to move our legs and get some fresh air. It's been stormy this week (classic PNW) so I'm itching to get back outside. And since both of us are still working (from home, but working), we spent last weekend just watching movies. Yes there's still lots to do on our house, but that will all still be there. We can afford to cocoon together right now.
I'm also avoiding watching the news and only reading in small chunks and choosing when I do so. If I can prepare myself for the news, I am less likely to panic about it. And I'm specifically searching out the good stories, the things that make me smile. Every smile feels like a fight back against the awfulness against our reality. Also, I made this a rule a while back: I don't watch the orange toddler-in-chief. Ever. I don't listen to him. I don't watch him. I don't read his tweets. I know he's ignorant. I know he's a liar. I know he's a narcissist. I know it. I don't need to be reminded of that and triggered every day. He's not good for my anxiety and my blood pressure and I'd like to live through this nightmare, which means avoiding that trigger.
I'd love to say some awful things I think should happen to him, but those things are maybe best NOT in writing. I'll just let you use your imagination.
And, honestly, I think focusing on what I can do instead of what I can't control helps a ton. There's a small list that I can do and I can control, but I can focus on that list and fill my time and not worry myself into a state that's hard to pull myself out of. I know how deep that state goes, so anything I can do to avoid that hole is fine! Maybe I'm kicking my depression down the road, but for now, I just want to survive, both emotionally and physically. I can address the deeper wounds later. They'll still be there waiting for me.
Before this hit the US, I was already struggling with depression. I talked about it here and each time that I did helped. It helped me feel connected and not alone and it helped me feel honest to myself. Honesty about mental illness is so important because depression lies to you. Putting your truth in writing is immensely powerful.
So I'm going to do that again.
I feel okay.
I do! I feel better than I did a few weeks ago and while I think I am not going to feel awesome per se, I'm feeling as good as can be expected given my history and the current state of the world.
The biggest lifeline is that my therapist is doing video sessions now. If you are able to get therapy, this is such an amazing perk of living in such a technological age. If this pandemic had happened even 15 years ago, not only would most of us not be able to telecommute, but the idea that you can video chat with a therapist or even a doctor is kind of fucking amazing.
Before my last appointment (Which was what? A week ago? A month? A year? What year IS it?), I was spinning out. I catastrophize at the best of times. I catastrophize because it's what my body and brain have been trained to do. My life experience since birth has taught me that the worst usually happens and so everything in me prepares for the worst and that means playing out the worst case scenarios in my mind.
 |
| My mind |
Because fear can be valuable. That spidey sense I mentioned before or fight or flight when an actual scary thing is occurring. And scary things are FUCKING OCCURRING! There is exponential growth to this virus' reach and none of us are immune and I don't want my dad to die and I'm technically immunocompromised (though not as much as other friends and family) and my cousin has chronic asthma and one of my besties is a damn nurse and she's at risk and then my entire fucking industry shut down and I had literally no work to do and convinced myself I'd get fired and we just bought a fucking house and how long before we're homeless? I usually stop at homeless because I've been close to homelessness before and it's been one of my biggest fears since childhood (which is probably why I never ran away despite my abusive home).
Anyway, some of what I listed above is reasonable to be fearful of and some of it isn't and all of it is overwhelming even for the most mentally well person alive. And anxiety doesn't help any of that either.
But that's why I therapy. My therapist helped me figure out how to talk to my boss about these fears and then she encouraged me to walk through the actual likely scenarios of what would happen should I lose my job, ranging from getting family support from my husband's parents (since my parents can't and won't help) to finding a non-events job and, which I could very well do. And, yes, our country will likely be in a recession and I may not be able to find work, let alone well paying work, but my anxiety won't stop that anyway.
All my anxiety does is make me feel like shit (and lower my immune response).
So yeah I did talk to my boss (not about my anxiety; we don't have that kind of relationship) about wanting to work and he gave me some mundane administrative stuff to do which, like, isn't necessarily fun, but it's work yo! I'm glad to hear that I'm worth retaining even if my industry isn't making my role billable. It's one layer of relief for now. And it's also something to do, something to keep my mind busy so I...again....don't spin the fuck out.
Also I know how lucky I am to work at a place that is not only allowing us all to work from home, but was ahead of the curve in doing so. I feel safe at home and my exposure is now limited. I worked retail for a decade and I know a lot of people in service jobs are not working right now and that's scary as hell.
So I'm also making lists. Listing those fears is helpful because once it's out of your head and on paper, it's easier to figure out what's real or not and also it just gets them out of my head and someplace else.
I'm also avoiding Facebook, which is just a fountain of stress. I want to be on social media for connection, but Facebook is just more stressful than it's worth. Every time I log in, it's like an avalanche of awful. I briefly tried Nextdoor so I could connect with my neighbors and then quickly lost my faith in humanity with all the xenophobic, racist, panicky, white nonsense on there. I'm aware I'm white, but I am not trying to be part of the problem and I can't deal with these people right now. I also briefly tried some nerd fandoms on reddit, but quickly got bullied off, so here we are.
I am video-chatting with colleagues when I can and my girlfriends and I are doing a weekly video lunch, which is really nice. I also get to spend my days with my husband and my two cats, all of which make me very happy. Last week, since it was sunny, we took evening walks (avoiding people) after work every day and it was really nice to move our legs and get some fresh air. It's been stormy this week (classic PNW) so I'm itching to get back outside. And since both of us are still working (from home, but working), we spent last weekend just watching movies. Yes there's still lots to do on our house, but that will all still be there. We can afford to cocoon together right now.
I'm also avoiding watching the news and only reading in small chunks and choosing when I do so. If I can prepare myself for the news, I am less likely to panic about it. And I'm specifically searching out the good stories, the things that make me smile. Every smile feels like a fight back against the awfulness against our reality. Also, I made this a rule a while back: I don't watch the orange toddler-in-chief. Ever. I don't listen to him. I don't watch him. I don't read his tweets. I know he's ignorant. I know he's a liar. I know he's a narcissist. I know it. I don't need to be reminded of that and triggered every day. He's not good for my anxiety and my blood pressure and I'd like to live through this nightmare, which means avoiding that trigger.
I'd love to say some awful things I think should happen to him, but those things are maybe best NOT in writing. I'll just let you use your imagination.
And, honestly, I think focusing on what I can do instead of what I can't control helps a ton. There's a small list that I can do and I can control, but I can focus on that list and fill my time and not worry myself into a state that's hard to pull myself out of. I know how deep that state goes, so anything I can do to avoid that hole is fine! Maybe I'm kicking my depression down the road, but for now, I just want to survive, both emotionally and physically. I can address the deeper wounds later. They'll still be there waiting for me.
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