Trauma, Control, and Self-Soothing Behavior

To recap a big breakthrough I had this year, thanks to COVID, I've spent years being afraid of becoming my mother, because she was such a controlling and foreboding figure in my life, and I equated certain pieces of her with a lack of control (whether this was fair of me or not): being fat, being disabled, mental illness, drug abuse, her abuse of me, etc. But what my therapist and I realized is that it's not my mom I was scared of becoming; I'm scared of being who I was when I was her child. I'm scared of being back there, abused, alone, and with no control over my life. 

Moreover, despite all those things which ostensibly meant less control for her, because being many of those things are marginalized groups in our society, my mother always had control over ME. So it's really not about losing control if I'm mentally ill or fat, etc.; it's absolutely about me feeling helpless and out of control. 

I've worked very hard to control my world. I don't think I try to control others (and I don't need to), but I must do and touch every piece of my job and my life and very much struggle with asking for help or giving away tasks. I have so much personal worth tied to those things. They're mine and I protect them and that makes me think I'm in control. When I don't have say in decisions about my or my life, no matter how small, I get very upset. I want to have a say in everything that effects me. 

But this all came to a head with 2020 dumping its tsunami of terror on the world and many many many people losing all semblance of control over their lives, including yours truly. 

The math is simple: 

Scary deadly virus + fellow citizens who don't give a fuck about staying alive + people dying everywhere + a tyrant dipshit running things + watching my industry collapse and losing my job + trying to find new purpose and a new career at almost 40 + capitalist brainwashing that makes us all believe that employment equals self worth = zero control over my life. 

Then you take zero control and add it to CPTSD and you get Major Depression (TM).

To be honest, the last couple weeks have felt better, but it's because I'm working hard on both being kind to myself and recognizing my triggers and cultivating my self worth again. I don't want this post to be all about that, because I talked about that last post, but I've been thinking a lot about the way I use control as a coping mechanism for PTSD and trauma. 

The more I think about it, I've developed certain behaviors to help me cope in a world where I had no control and a child and they've sustained me since. I think this is a very common coping style, but honestly, I hadn't recognized it in myself until recently when, as I illustrated above, I lost what I perceived as all control. 

So I've created the illusion of control, I guess you could say. When you can't control the big things, there are the little things. 

When I was a kid, this was evident in a very specific food list that I would eat and things and no foods could touch and I would only eat certain colors and textures. But also, it surfaced in rituals I would do for self-soothing. The one I think is the funniest is I made every person in my family say a script when they hung up the phone or left to go somewhere: "I love you. I miss you. Be careful. Have fun." 

I have no memory of when we started that, but you had to say it and I had to say it back. Every time. It wasn't as serious as OCD. where I was compelled to do something, but if someone didn't complete the script, I would be very upset.

Or I used to get way obsessive about shuffling decks of cards, which I taught myself how to do. I'd sit on the floor of my bedroom and do an initial few normal shuffles, then I'd split then deck in 4 and shuffle two of the four together a few times, then the other two together, then I'd swap out two and start  the twosomes over and THEN I'd shuffle the entire deck again. That was probably confusing - maybe I'll make a video to demonstrate. My point is I needed it to be as thoroughly shuffled as possible to feel comfortable. 

I've also developed little behaviors for years that self-soothe, like counting. I'd count the cracks in the sidewalk as I walked or syllables when someone was talking (even before I learned what syllables are) and I'd often beat it out with my fingers on my thigh or whatever was near me (chair, bed, desk, etc). 

Sorry for the use of past-tense, because I still do this. Same way with clothing. I can barely function in uncomfortable clothing and do not like to feel restricted in any way and I've always been that way. Ballet was such a challenge, because I hated wearing tights. 

I also have behaviors that are almost like stimming, except I'm not autistic, but like, I'll touch my thumb to my nail beds, working my way down each finger and then touch each finger to my thumb nail. I have lots of fidgeting behaviors that if I pay attention, all have repetitions and patterns. 

And don't get me started on touching smooth surfaces. That has always been a go-to. 

And I have adult rituals now. Like, if we're going to eat dinner and watch TV or a movie, I need everyone sitting down with their food and the show started before I can begin eating. My husband will chow down immediately and I'm sitting there like, UM the dinner ritual has not begun, SIR. 

I also have a goodnight script that we each have to say before I can sleep. It's silly and thank goodness that man indulges me every single night and when I'm traveling, we do it by text or facetime or whatever we can. I just need it.

We laugh about it, but my need for these rituals has increased since COVID. I need them to make me feel like I have something I can control. The rituals are soothing. 

I'm not religious and I'm an atheist, but I do see why religious rituals have their appeal! The repetition is lovely. Knowing what to expect is comforting as fuck. Maybe I need to make up my own rituals to perform, my own rites to perform. I don't want to appropriate other cultures and no religions are coming in this house, but maybe something ancient celtic would be appropriate for my background and heritage. 

Anyway, I think that, as long as these rituals and behaviors aren't hurting anyone or oneself, it's not a problem. If I need a script to get a good night's sleep (well, it doesn't always work lol), then why the fuck not? But I do think there's immense value in cataloging oneself, analyzing oneself, observing oneself. Maybe, one day, I'll understand myself so much that just knowing myself will be soothing and I can set the little rituals and self-soothing behaviors aside. 

Noticing it is growth, if you ask me.