I have an adoptive dad, but I still feel like an orphan

 I told my therapist I'd spend some time working through my ever-more-complicated feelings about my dad that have been increasingly taking up mental space in my brain and, well, my next session is in two days and I haven't done that at all, so I'm going to use this space right now to talk through some of it as best I can.  

I've avoided feeling anything but positive thoughts about my dad (my adoptive dad, the man I call Dad) for basically forever for lots of reasons. First, he's just not my mom and, since SHE was such a massive presence in my trauma and also because she was a narcissist and taking up all the space in my life was literally her entire personality, feeling any kind of negative way about him was just not my focus or need. 

And, when I look back on my childhood, I have good memories in regards to him. But, I do have a hard time separating out whether he was a good father or if the bar was so low because of what a nightmare my mom was. But, looking back, as an adult now through adult eyes, my dad was certainly not a perfect parent by any means (I'll expand on that in a bit), but I do think he tried his best given his background and what he knew. He certainly did a lot better than HIS father, who was kind of a POS (and who I was genuinely scared of as a child). 

So, why then, do I often feel now, in my adulthood, like he's not the father I need or want him to be?

I thought for a while, maybe, that it's because I want to change him or can't accept him and the person he is and what he's capable of, but I don't think that's entirely it. If I look at him through my adult eyes, I fully know who that dude is and don't actually expect anything other of him. And I have spend a lot of time already forgiving him for letting my mom abuse me (the reasons are too numerous to go into again here, but I have forgiven him). But, being completely honest, I know he's not really capable of being any kind of different. I know that and I am often annoyed by it, but it's with acceptance I think. 

And it's not like he was the best husband to my mom. She was a total nightmare, sure, but he wasn't the best either. He half-assed her birthday and their "anniversary dinner" was always at his company Christmas party (lame) where he'd give her the door prize from the event instead of an anniversary gift. She didn't do anything for her for mother's day because, "She's not MY mom." I kid you not. He just didn't care about holidays and birthdays, even for himself. He hated being fussed over and he hated fussing over others, so at least he was fair?? Meh, I don't know. 

He wasn't like that to me as a child though! He did make a fuss for me. He did remember my holidays and make me feel special and loved and gave me his full attention when I needed it. But as an adult? Not at all. Maybe he thinks his job is done now. Maybe his parenting ended when I turned 18.

So even still, it is with full knowledge that I accept that he's like this. But when he can't return a text for a month and hasn't called me in over a year and doesn't answer his phone and forgets my birthday (which is the same day as my mom's BTW) and forgets my adoption day, why am I hurt by that? Why am I surprised? Why do I expect anything else? I know he's like this! This is not new information!

I'll tell you why: it's because I still want a fucking parent. 

When I was a kid, losing my adoptive family felt like the absolute worst case scenario I could ever encounter. This is how abandonment trauma works! I'd lost one family already. I'd lost two parents and I would not lose another, despite the abuse, because that was, I thought, my last and final chance to have parents. When I estranged from my mom, it was my choice and the best thing for me, but it still meant losing a mother, being motherless, and grieving motherless that happened twice (and I grieved again when I learned of my first mother's death and still ache for a mother), but I still had a dad. I still had one parent left. 

Then why did I still feel like an orphan? Why do I still often feel parentless? 

I think it's because I still yearn for parents, still ache to fill that first loss And this change from him, even though it's been like 24 years or so, of how he treats me as an adult, feels like a final abandonment, then one I spent my whole childhood dreading. 

But it's probably not possible to fill that first loss. I probably need to grieve more, because I think, somewhere in my heart, my younger self thinks I wouldn't feel this way if I had a dad that showed up, that gave me attention, that remembered me. It's likely that I would still feel this hurt even if I had dad of the year who called me first thing on my birthday and gave me his full attention, because it's not about him really - it's about the abandonment I experienced from my first family that I still haven't fully grieved and maybe never will. I'm sure I'll always feel this ache, this pain, this loss. It's hard not to let this feeling be magnified by comparison. 

Regardless, that doesn't make it easier to feel orphaned yet again. And the holidays always exacerbate this feeling, seeing everyone with their generations of family giving love and attention. My husband has two sets of parents vying for his time and attention and I have...this gnawing ache that never goes away. 

And yes, I've worked hard to build a family of my own that I love and cherish and I don't want anyone reading this that loves me to think I've forgotten about them or don't value them. I absolutely do! But parent loss is different. Nothing replaces that. I just have to feel this on my own. 

I hope to at least get to a place where I can live more at peace with the loss, with the grief of it, for the pain of it not to sting so much.