Meeting the Birth Family

 Friends, I know people having been waiting for a follow-up post, but it was so huge and I've been so emotionally drained that I haven't even really processed it all yet! And then I got back to work and needed to jump into that, so I haven't even had a moment to think, let alone feel.

Suffice to say...meeting my birth family was wonderful! They're SO NICE and welcoming and excited to meet me! 

There is inherent weirdness to meeting family who you've never met before, in using familial terms for people who are essentially strangers, but, honestly, outside of the weirdness of trying to keep track of names and their faces, it didn't feel that weird at all! I felt like I fit right in. And they used those terms without reservation: aunt, uncle, cousin, niece, etc. It felt so affirming, but also just...normal? I was shocked by how normal it felt!

I was shocked by how easily I fit in. 

I'm good at working to fit in. Like lots of adoptees, I'm a chameleon. I worked my butt off my whole childhood to fit into my adoptive family. I was an actor both on the stage and off. I use that skill in my job ALL THE TIME. But this??? This wasn't work. This was easy. This was natural.

We just sat around outside for a couple of hours and I nursed a cider and we just shot the shit. We shared and compared, yes, but also just laughed and joked and it was very cool to just meet them as they are and not try to squeeze a lifetime of fact finding into 2 hours. I just wanted to know them and let them get to know me and so that's what we did. 

It was lovely. I could see myself in them. They're funny and loud like me. I soaked it in.

Some people have asked me if it felt life changing or massively healing, etc. And I'm sure the answer is yes once I get some time to process, but mostly it just felt right. It felt affirming. It just felt good.

I did and still do feel a little sad that I missed out on so many years of knowing them. I've said this to a couple of people since and some have said, "Well you weren't ready before," which is true, but that's not what I mean. I mean I should have known my family this whole time. I'm not trying to rewrite history and it's probable that my adoption was really the only option for me, but I deserved to still know my family regardless. I deserved a more open adoption at the least.

They lived so close to where I grew up! I could have known them! One of my biological cousins attended the same college as my adoptive cousin who I'm really close with. Another one of my bio cousins attended the same trade school that I did! Albeit not at the same times, but it blows my mind nonetheless. So I possibly have run into them before. It's wild how close we were physically (and I have a bombshell coming in a bit). 

So that makes me a little sad, but here we are now and I'm so glad to know them now. 

And now I have to share this next wild bit that has me completely shook. So a few days ago, when I had a little downtime, I went on facebook to find as many bio family members as I could. At first, I couldn't really find anyone, just too common of names. So then I try my aunt's husband (my uncle through marriage) and he comes up right away! And I see that we have a friend in common, which is why he was so easy to find. How do I have a friend in common with my aunt's husband? That's wild, I thought!

The friend in common is someone I worked with back from like 2007-2010 and who I just loved! She was there when I chose to estrange from my adoptive mom and lots of upheaval in our department at work and was just the coolest lady and friend, honestly. So I message her immediately to tell her of this strange coincidence and she says, "I have to call you." So we talk and guess what? They're cousins! She's my aunt's husband's cousin! She was at their wedding. She met my birth parents and my sister. She has known my birth family this whole time and we never even knew it!

As my dear friend Coco said,

via GIPHY

Yeah. The WHOLE time. 

This part broke my brain open a bit and I honestly still can't quite wrap my head around it. It's like some Lifetime movie plot. I was distantly related to one of my favorite coworkers and had that connection and just never knew it. 

Wild. 

ANYWAY, that's where I am now! Happy but working through the bits of sad and just trying to process it all.